Little Willy walks...
USMC.
0341
I'm mostly an open book. Some chapters may or may not be redacted, revised, edited or omitted for clarity and the well-being of my career. Situation dictates.
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***THE OPINIONS IN THIS BLOG DO NOT REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, OR THE UNITED STATE MARINE CORPS.***
- Garcia: I had a weird dream last night.
- Me: Yeah?
- G: Yeah, it was about this girl who beat me at drill when we were going up for Marine of the Quarter. She was fucking stupid, too.
- Me: What about her?
- G: Dude, she drank alcohol when she was a kid and her mouth was all fucked up so she spoke all weird. And she was pigeon-toed.
- [pause]
- G: And she was a ginger!
- [small pause]
- Me: Wait a second... how fucking BAD do you have to be at drill to lose to a pigeon-toed, red-headed mongoloid?
- G: Uh... mind your own business.
- Lcpl May: [to the Corpsman] Doc, do you have anything for stomach problems?
- Cpl Payton: [to me] I'm pretty sure you're supposed to go to your squad leader before you go to the corpsman. I mean, not for something small...
- Me: Yeah, I don't give a fuck if you have a headache.
- Cpl Payton: I'm sure if I went up to you and told you I had a headache you'd just be like- "quit bein' a bitch."
- Me: That's why we make a good team, man; you know me so well.
During Operation Sea Soldier, Oman.
- 1stSgt: [pointing to whiteboard] What's this one about? Who said money is an issue for staying in?
- LCpl: [raising his hand] Me, First Sergeant.
- 1stSgt: Explain that to me.
- LCpl: Well, you're talking about all these blue collar jobs and I didn't have a blue collar job, and as a Lance Corporal, I'm not making shit compared to what I made as a microchip technician.
- 1stSgt: So why'd you join the Marine Corps?
- LCpl: [smiles] Uh... I don't know.
- 1stSgt: "I don't know?" There must be a reason.
- LCpl: [slightly fading out] I lost a bet to my dad once...
- Renner: Dude, I was flying down that road.
- Arnold: You gotta be careful dude.
- Renner: It was a ground evac drill! What better scenario for haulin' ass? [referencing Talladega Nights] I wanna go fast!
- Me: [shrugging] If you ain't first, you're dead.
- Reitz: Hey, Arnold! I heard you were flyin' and we were buyin'. [going to the vending machines]
- Me: Dude! Yes!
- Ortiz: Arnold has more flier miles than a C-130...
We made some coffee this morning. Gunny comes over-
“It took us this long to get the coffee machine out…”
-Well, we didn’t have any coffee before, no reason to take the pot out if we don’t have any coffee.”
Arnold chips in- “I used to make my mom coffee every morning. Did you ever do that Renner?”
Renner responds- “No, but I used to make myself coffee in the morning.”
-“Well, I didn’t do that” replies Arnold, “I just made it for my mom because I was selfless…” and he just sits there smiling for a moment.
Suddenly, Renner asks- “What the fuck?! You want a Nobel Peace Prize or something?!”
- Payton: Are we working out tomorrow? Gym?
- Me: In a couple of weeks we're going to be back on ship, where we can eat, sleep, piss, shit, clean, watch movies and work out for the next seven to ten months so... no, we're not going to the gym tomorrow. You know what we don't have on ship?
- Payton: What?
- Me: Ice cream.
What does every man want to do upon his return? He wants to hug his son, kiss his wife, then eat, drink, and fuck away the memories of ever being gone.
You think this will fly?
- McDannel: Gunny just showed up and fucked up everything.
- SSgt: sounds about right.
- McDannel: the situation was under control until he freaked the fuck out.
- SSgt: rule number one in combat- don't freak out.
This Marine is sleeping on two cammie-netting pole bags stacked on a field desk in the back of a high-back. Marines sleep everywhere, everyone knows that. But I can’t decide if this is a new standard for shitbag or genius.
Me: You planning on getting a tension pneumothorax?
Curaba: what?
Me: You got that needle decompression kit pretty handy.
Curaba: oh yeah man, I live on the edge.
Turns out I snatched my Staff Sergeant’s charging handle. He wasn’t very happy about it.
